Killer Cattle

We got cows. Well actually, we don't got cows, we got steers. About 2500 of them altogether, with most breeds represented from time to time. All the breeds can be cranky buggers at some stage or other, but not all the breeds are the same.
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The Young Bloke got crowned today. He was helping The Boss put a pen of cattle through the scales before they were trucked out so that they could take out the ones that didn't make the contracted weight. He was walking a few steers into the forcing yard when one of the steers decided that forcing could work both ways and gently nudged the gate into the Young Bloke, giving him a mild concussion and a free trip to hospital for a few stitches to the noggin. Which meant that I had to get out my nice cozy (climate-controlled) tractor and help them weigh the cattle. As usual, I was down 'the dumb end'. Which means that I was the bunny who was actually in the yards with the cattle, pushing them up. Now before I started here, I'd done very little cattle work. In fact, you could have written everything I knew about handling cattle on the back of a postcard with a blunt crayon. Whereas these days you'd have to sharpen the crayon. So now I'm going to share some of my wisdom with you. (I survived the ordeal unscathed, BTW. Thanks for asking.)
Firstly, don't do what the Young Bloke did and stand behind a gate as you are closing it. I did the same thing about eight years ago, with much the same effect; except that I am a Rough, Tough Outback Bloke _TM, therefore used masking tape instead of stitches. I suppose if I was trading on my looks like Brad Pitt* I would have got a couple of stitches, but, meh. Whilst on the subject of gates, I have a bad habit which could end in tears - or broken bones. When I am pushing a gate shut against the resistance offered by cattle, I 'lock' my elbows. I have heard of several sprained and broken wrists and elbows when a beast lunges at the gate and the person on the gate is too slow to give way.
Second, never stand directly behind a beast when you are in the yards with them, particularly in a cramped situation. Those buggers have got a pretty good kick thing going on... You wouldn't believe how much of your thigh the bruise from one kick can cover, or how much it hurts. The gates in the yards are eight feet wide, five steel rails high. I had a beast kick one off its hinges on top of me (somebody forgot to pin the top of the hinges) .
Apart from that, there isn't much to know. Don't bother trying to watch all of them, you'd go nuts. Providing you are not encroaching on their space, they are pretty placid animals. There is generally a ringleader or two in every herd, these will generally be infused with Bos Indicus blood; I'll tell you why in a minute. Watch these and look out for any skittish animals, there's always a few that will kick or charge for no apparent reason, but if you are alert they present no real difficulty unless they get ahead of the rest, reach a closed gate and come back at you. If you see a beast skip ahead in the yards, try and push the rest of the mob to keep up with it. You do this for two reasons, first if you can get them all through the gate before the greyhound has a chance to turn; problem averted. Second, if the leader does turn, you can use the mob to block, or at least slow him. Some of those buggers will run straight over you if given the chance, even when you give them plenty of room to pass you by. Shane Webcke can't throw a shoulder charge like these blokes. I had one yak beast a few months ago who didn't like the forcing yard. He'd run up ahead, see the forcing yard and run straight back through the mob. My usual procedure when this happens is to let them run back and pick them up in the next mob. Trouble is, this bugger did it three times in a row. So I thought that I would put him in there by himself. He got to the forcing yard, turned, ran three steps and stopped, for I was on the opposite side of the pound. Armed with my trusty whacking stick (a three foot length of orange plastic electrical conduit) I faced my foe. He put his head down and pawed the ground, preparatory to doing the Harry again, so I whacked him across the nose - again and again and again... It took a couple of minutes (or so it seemed) but I walked him backwards into the forcing yard. Trouble was, I couldn't shut the gate, because he would have bolted while I was doing it, so I had to get the young bloke to shut me in the yard with him, then vault the fence. Bastard butted me in the leg while I was escaping. Can't blame him I s'pose. Still, all that trouble could have been avoided if he had of turned around.
Another thing to remember, all cattle breeds are not created equal; generally speaking, Bos Indicus(or African) breeds like Brahmans and Afrikanders, or those that are infused with Bos Indicus blood, like Santa Gertrudis or Droughtmasters, are more intelligent than breeds with pure Bos Taurus (or European) breeds like Herefords and Angus. Cattle seem to recognise this, so in a mob of mixed breeds, the yaks generally set the pattern. They also get cranky quicker when they are cooped up than the Europeans do. One thing which I have found that works when they are getting set to do their 'nana in the race is to give their back a rub and talk to them like they are puppy dogs. It makes everybody else laugh when I do it, but it works - on yaks, anyway.
Angus cattle are shifty, sly little buggers, more likely to kick than all the other breeds combined, you've gotta watch'em.
Charolais are stupid. Dumb as dogshit, in fact. I'm not talking some overachieving Golden Lab seeing-eye dog doo-doo, either; I mean the canine equivalent of the supermodel, good to look at but nothing else, too stupid to scratch themselves Afghan Hound** poop.
P.S. The Young Bloke is shaping up nicely as a Rough, Tough Outback Bloke _TM, he was back at work this afternoon.

* i was going to put an Australian name here, but I couldn't think of an Australian who has the same universal ability to make women frothy at the fork - if you'll pardon my euphemism
**Actually, Afghan Hounds are better looking than most supermodels. What's so attractive about a woman who doesn't look like she's had a decent meal since primary school? Apart from being thin, tall and vacant, these women are nothing unusual to look at. In fact most of them are dingo ugly.