Who united all those nations? It'll take me hours to get them untangled

As an act of public benefaction and to dispel any unwarranted prejudice against persons of different ethnic origin to yourself, I have decided to publish the results of my decades-long research into a comparison of the various nationalities of the world and how persons from each nationality rate as employees. This study, although incomplete, as are all studies into this subject, is detailed and flawless in its findings. I know that it will be of benefit to you.

• Kiwis: Drink a lot. Smoke more dope than Bob Marley. Usually happy, competent workers. Indigenous Kiwis can all play guitar. Bar none.
• Poms: Drink a lot. Smoke more dope than Bob Marley. If somebody else pays for it. Good workers, although Northerners are to be preferred over Southerners, who are usually slow, if persistent, plodders. Contrary to popular myth, don't whinge much, although when they start...
• Paddies: Drink a lot, even when compared to other nations who Drink A Lot. Boisterous. Smoke more dope than Bob Marley. Sometimes they pay for it. Eat a lot of spuds. Seriously. Hard workers, usually highly skilled, can be confrontational.
• Jocks: Drink a lot. Not as prone to smoking dope. Contrary to popular mythology, usually generous. Keen on a blue. Sometimes need a poke with a sharp object to get going.
• Dais: Drink a lot. That's all.
• Frogs: Don't drink so much. There is a generational change in Frogs; they start off fairly easygoing (and lazy) but end up hardworking and arrogant. Must be all that pastry.
• Krauts: Medium drinkers. Plodders at work. Resentful of instruction.
• Dagos: Plonkos. (Very) Hard workers. Given to work-place politics. Don't turn your back.
• Nips: Never observed drinking, therefore; DO NOT TRUST. Given to feigning a lack of English when comprehension would mean hard work. Do not employ.
• Chinks: Drinking level variable. Genial, hardworking, suited to repetitive tasks.
• Canucks: Pretensions to serious drinking. Whinge a lot, especially about being mistaken for Sepps. Good workers for all that.
• Sepps: Ambitious drinkers. Don't seem to need external sources of income. Only employed example in the study came from Texas. His name was Tom. In a display of that dry, ironic humour that we Australians are justifiably famous for, we called him Texas Tom. Nicest bloke I ever met, except me and you (If we've met). Worked like a Trojan and drank like me. Laughed all day. If he wasn't ugly and a bloke, I would've married him.
• Serbs/Croats (help me out with a colloquialism here): World class drinkers. Blokes are good, if unimaginative workers who need to be supervised. Women don't need supervision.
• Romanians: Drink a lot. Are all female. Are all stunners. Not a moral between the lot of them. When I retire, I'm going to live in Romania. And die happy. They are good workers, too.
• Somalis: Non-drinkers and therefore untrustworthy. If you have Somali workers, take a stick with you. You can line them up with it to see if they are moving.
• Philipinos: Novice drinkers. Are all female. Almost all stunners. Inconveniently high level of moral vigour. Very happy people. Good workers. Four stars.
• Fuzzy-wuzzies: Drink a lot. Happy, except sometimes when they drink a lot. Good, if eraatic, workers.
• Polynesians (Pick an island, any island): Drink a lot. Smoke more dope than Bob and Rita Marley. Work like three mere mortals. Editors choice (bro).
• South Americans: Only one example lives in captivity; a Brazilian female of about thirty footy seasons. Drinks moderately, copulates to the point of exhaustion - has a rest and does it again. On this basis, recommended for employment even if you don't have any work that needs doing.
• Israelis: Minimalist drinkers. Severley lacking in the humour department. Very good workers.
• Other middle easterners: Non drinkers, which seems to make them cranky. Good, if moody, workers.
• Scandinavians: Drinking level extremely variable. Absurdly good skin - would make excellent wallets if you run out of work. Women prone to wearing not much - recommended.
• Russians/ex Soviet republics: Don't exist.
• Oi Oi Oi: Drink a lot. Exceptional workers. Women are all beautiful, men all have large penises (penii?) Witty and urbane, an ornament to any workplace, but beware, because of their genetic superiority it will not take them long to supplant your place in the company if they so choose.

Never let it be said that I'm not doing my bit for internationasl relations.