Why don't old blokes (or shielas) ever read the sports news?

I like sports. As long as I don't have to participate, that's too hard. Time was that you couldn't stop me from competing in pretty much any sport - as long as it was a contact sport. These days I get knocked up looking for the remote, but I'm still prepared to put in and do the hard yards to flick over from the proper footy to the league, or vice versa if the boys aren't up to the level of conflict required. I am more than somewhat slightly perturbed, however, by the way that the word 'sport' has been bandied about without regard to it's heritage. 'Prostituted' is a term that could could be applied to the way that 'sport' has been degraded.
I'll illustrate my line of reasoning with a few examples:
Running is a sport.
Walking is not a sport.
Wrestling is a sport. (NOT pro-wrestling)
Gymnastics is not a sport.
Weightlifting is a sport.
Poker is not a sport.
Tennis is a sport.
Motorsport is not a sport - despite the name.
To qualify as a sport, an activity must fulfill three criteria:
It must involve an above average degree of physical prowess - which fucks poker, but allows that skinny Japanese guy who keeps winning hotdog eating competions to stand next to Cathy Freeman and The Don.
Success is measured statistically, i.e., faster, heavier, more goals. Bye bye gymnasts.
Success is dependant primarily on the abilities of the participant. The quality of their equipment should not significantly alter the outcome of the competition. Sorry revheads. Although I have had the argument mounted against me that motorsport, despite the accolades awarded to people like Schumacher and Jeff Gordon (The Federer of NASCAR; how can somebody so talented be so boring?) motorsport is, in fact, a team eandeavour and the quality of the equipment is due the effort of the team. To which I say "Fuck off you first year philosophy student."
Which is not to denigrate any participants in poker tournaments, gymnastic umm..., competitions or motorsport types. Just stop calling yourself sportsmen. Especially if you're a chick. That's just wrong.
Above all, a competition should not be decided by a judge arbitrarily deciding whether or not you are sticking to 'form'. Hence, freestyle swimming is a sport, the form strokes aren't. Imagine what would happen if you tried to take away Marice Green's gold medal because he was holding his arms at the wrong angle.
Of course there is one glaring ommission to this, which is cricket.
15º? What a wank. You take the most blatant cheat in the history of the game down to the lab and prove that he is capable of playing within the rules which were modified to allow him to remain in breach of the original rules ('coz we don't want to discriminate, do we, you white supremacist?) What that has to do with what happened three months earlier, in an actual match is beyond me. It's kind of like getting Mike Tyson to punch out a bunch of interns and then saying he is just misunderstood because the whole time he was beating up nerds he didn't once rape anybody. Fuck, he didn't even bite them. It reduces the fine sport of cricket to a mere pastime. As does all the other technological bullshit. No third umpire, no video replays and especially no hawkeye. There are two umpires out there; support them, I defy anybody to show me an obviously biassed official. You got a bad call? Wear it. They even out.

And now I'm just going to stop.