A list

It has been pointed out out me on more than one occasion that I have expressed a desire to marry a somewhat larger that usual number of women. This is caused by a number of things: I am a fairly polite individual, so in saying "I'd like to marry her," chances are that it is really a euphemism for "I'd like to lay her down and eat carbonara sauce out of her crevices", also, I am old and alone - getting married would mean that I wouldn't have to cook and clean anymore (isn't that what wives are for?), very occasionally (probably never, really) it means that I find someone exciting on levels other than (as well as?) physical. I am very shallow. So because of this, and because lists are, apparently, The Go, here follows a Readers Digest abridged list of

Women I'd Like To Fuc Bone Introduce to Strange Carnal Activities Marry

I will post itty bitty pictures of all candidates; click on their names for the full-sized jobbies, there will also occasionally be links to other piccies, these will probably be rude, though. I will try to maintain some sort of chronological order to make things simpler. Like all chronological lists, I will start in the BC era. BC in this case stands for Before Conception, i.e., women who were around before I was born. It is only possible to go back to about 1920 because before that photographic images are poor and, more importantly, all the women were ugly, even Helen of Troy. Naturally, these women, even more than the others, represent only hypothetical potential brides; I'm not that much into necrophilia. I tried it once and the bitch just lay there. So First up we have
Jean Harlow, who was the person for whom the phrase "Platinum Blonde" was coined. A very early example of a women who used her physical attributes rather than talent both to get to- and to stay at- the top. A proto-skank, if you will.









Lauren Bacall, on the other hand, is class personified. Still dead, but.









Audrey Hepburn too, personifies class. She could stand still for a long time, too. Often credited with (blamed for?) creating the waif look and launching a billion eating disorders, apparently she had some sort of medical condition which prevented her from gaing weight. Don't care; she was a hornbag








.Barbara Eden played what most pop-psychologists think of as the weak man's dream girl, overtly sexy, submissive and eager to please. Dunno 'bout that, but I thought she was a babe when I was going to school. Still do. The world's best known piece of trivia is the fact that she never showed her navel during the entire run of the show. Imagine my surprise when the first picture that came up in an image search was this.







Cherie Currie caused my balls to drop. Singer of a girl band called the Runaways, teenage boys all over the world risked going blind every night as they used Cherie for inspiration. Makes a living these days as a chainsaw sculptor. Although these photos are not, in the strict sense of the word, rude, if I were born with an inny instead of an outty then a) I would never let myself get into this state, b) if I did get into this state, I would not get my photo taken until I fixed myself, c) If by some chance the photos did get taken, I would not allow them to be published, especially on my own website. Seriously. At the risk of being rude I will quote Butch Buchanan , a sadly deceased friend with whom I went through trade school - "You could cut steaks off that."





Erin Gray burst into my life as Colonel Deering in 'Buck Rogers in the 25th Century'. I'd never heard of her before that and she disappeared after it. Given to wearing short dresses and lycra bodysuits (ahh, lycra, where would the eighties have been without it?), apparently she did some acting in the show, too. I didn't notice.







Kate Jackson was the intelligent one in Charlie's Angels (the series, not the movie, dickhead). You could tell that she was the intelligent one because she wore higher necklines. Again, this show is the only time she has ever appeared outside her own home. Probably.








Donna Summer was a bit of a disco diva. The only song I can remember her singing was a cover of 'The Wanderer'. Badly. I used to watch her on the telly with the sound turned down and some real music on the stereo. I know absolutely nothing else about her.








Samantha Fox was a British page 3 girl who hooked up with an aussie con-man, started flogging 'diet tea' and has disappeared. The only page 3 type whose name I even know, Fox was famous for her tits. Personally I thought that they were good, but not outstanding. She did, however have those classic good looks which people in Britain like to think is a national trait. It isn't. I think that, like Goldie Hawn, Raquel Welch and a few others, she'll look good well into her fifties. Except for her tits, maybe.







Sabrina was a singer of sorts, apparently. I can remember several videos with her in them, which appeared on music programs. You couldn't hear anything in the videos as the room was always filled with the sound of men goin "hhhrrrrrr, mmpph" and similar noises, while the women were going, "You bastards are pathetic! If you don't turn that off right now, we're leaving."
That's when I learned to cook.






This is the only photo I could find of Karla DeVito. I'm not bothering with the link to the full-sized image because she looks pretty crook in it. Anybody who remembers the film clip in which she appeared with Meatloaf will remember that she was a hornbag back in the day. Don't know anything about her beside that video appearance.











Ellen Foley was the voice on the song that used Karla DeVito in the filmclip. Dunno why they didn't use Ellen for that. Foley had the ability to sing a song as if it was being played backwards, effectively a human backmasking machine. Didn't get her very far.









Kristy MacNicol was in one of those saccharine US family dramas called... Something. She was also in a few movies like 'Pirates' and 'Little Darlings'. She was pretty hot to me when I was growing up. OK, I'm getting tired, so I'm not bothered putting them in order anymore.








Lisa Bonet played Bill Cosby's daughter in Some Show. She was also married to Lenny Kravitz. Lucky bastard.











Nathalie Imbruglia played A. Character on Neighbours, or Home and Away, or something. Sang (sings?) a few songs and is married to that tool from Siverchair. Lucky Bastard.









Janet Jackson was hot in the 'Black Cat' video. Hasn't interested me before or since. She's got plenty of rude piccies online. Had work done too, by the look of it. Must be genetic.






Sue Stanley was World Aerobics Champion. I don't know what that means, either. When I was working at the pool she came to town on some sort of demonstration tour. She came to the pool about twenty minutes before closing time to swim some laps in the heated pool. It was cold and she was the only one in the pool. She was swimming in one of those g-string style aerobics outfits. I let her swim until she'd had enough, long after chuckin' out time. If she squeezed her butt-cheeks hard enough, she would have cracked walnuts with them. Nice girl, too.






Winona Ryder is an incredibly beautiful woman. I have this photo as the desktop background on my 'pooter. Has acted a bit, usually in shit movies, though. Probably not the most well-balanced individual on the face of the planet, but sanity is over-rated.





Christina Applegate played teen skank Kelly Bundy in Married With Children. The last series is the only one worth watching as Applegate developed the Kelly character into the uberskank. Don't know if she was acting or not.






Christina Aguilera is a modest lassie who came to fame as a soloist in the Modesto County choir. Demure, retiring, yet somehow slightly sensual, one for the thinking man.
P.S. If you can't find any naughty pics of her, you just aren't trying.









OK, so I know that they are cartoon characters; but apart from that;, between the two of them they compose just about the ideal woman. Funny, intelligent, cynical and Jane Lane has a sexy voice. And Daria wears glasses. I like glasses.




Halle Berry is a first-rank hornbag who can't act, despite what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would have you believe. I saw her on a Leno once. Once was enough, with an airhead like that, she'll never drown. Doesn't stop her from being extremely sexy, though.








Brooke Hanson has a beautiful, smile, body and attitude to life. I like her.









Alyssa Camplin was the first Australian to win a gold medal at the winter olympics because of skill, as opposed to being too slow to reach the accident. Joint holder with Hanson of The Best Smile In World Sport. Yum Yum>









Martina Hingis has the best body of any woman 'I've ever seen. Built like a Swiss watch, it's a pity she has a face like a chipmunk.









But the one you've been waiting for (I know I have, I'm sick of this), the Woman I Want To Marry is...











Nigella Lawson is promoted as a Domestic Goddess. Dunno 'bout that, makes her sound like one of those chubby little statues the patchouli set put on the mantel-piece. I love Nigella - she makes cooking into pornography, and licking spoons into an art form. She also has one of the sexiest voices I've ever heard.





Well, that's it.
I wonder when the female readers are thinking of returning?